Advice for Wives

FamilyOfaVet - Real world info about PTSD, TBI, & life after combat
FamilyOfaVet - Real World info about PTSD, TBI, & life after combat.


Just the acronym makes your skin crawl.

It’s messing with your kids, your dog, you, and your sex life.

What used to be romantic is now an exercise in reviewing what color you’d like to paint the
ceiling…and that’s if you’re getting any at all.

How do you cope?

Just remember

Fantasy is okay.

It’s completely okay to fantasize to get through the rough times.  Whether you’re fantasizing
while in bed or fantasizing about it when you aren’t there, it’s OKAY.  Consider writing down
your fantasies.  At some point when PTSD is more under control it’s likely your partner is
going to want to find ways to thank you.  You’ll have the perfect list ready.

Reality is better.

When you can engage in your fantasies safely, do so.  If you dream about having a nice
long uninterrupted bubble bath, steal one mid-day during a lunch break if you have to.  
Find ways to satisfy your need for intimacy without your partner and when it is possible,
with him.  Consider implementing a take turns type approach.  One week, he gets what he
needs and the other it’s your turn.  Pick a night and stick to it.  Whatever it takes to
preserve and potentially improve your intimacy.  It’s important to turn F into R whenever

Arm yourself with knowledge.

Read up on new ideas.  Read the few professional articles out there about PTSD and
intimacy.  Read OUR articles.  Talk with other PTSD wives about what works for them.  
Knowledge is power so arm yourself with the best.

Never take PTSD’s attacks on your personally.

It’s very easy to take the opinion of PTSD attacks as being personal because they feel that
way but punishing your partner is really punishing yourself in the long run.  While it’s very
tempting to “withhold” what he wants, you’re also preventing yourself from using intimacy to
help heal your relationship.  So go to your corner, count to 10, and realize that while PTSD
is attacking you, the man you fell in love with is in there somewhere.

Know how to walk away.

We all know that men say stupid things.  PTSD men say even stupider ones.  Sometimes
you just have to teach yourself to walk away from a fight to help preserve the progress you’
ve made.  My grandmother said it best at her and my grandfather’s 50th wedding
anniversary, “Pick your battles.  In 50 years we have never gone to bed angry with issues
still unresolved.”  While I can’t say I’ve always managed to uphold her standard, I do count
my blessings each and every night and my husband, at times surprisingly, is still among

Learn how to make yourself “sing” so you can help him do it better.

Alright, time for some straight talk.  If you’re not “getting anywhere” anymore in bed, it might
be time to take matters into your own hands…literally.  I know you don’t want to sound like
an air traffic controller but sometimes you’ve got to do something to get somewhere or you
just might burst.  Get to know your own “buttons” so you can make certain they get pushed
in the right order at least once in a while so you can have your cake AND eat it too!

Yearn for the old days but make now the best it can be.

It’s easy to reminisce about how great it used to be and that’s great but you have to focus
on fixing NOW.  Daydream and fantasize about the “good ol’ days” just like you remember
the ones before you had kids.  Sure, it was fun not being tied down to people half your size
but you wouldn’t trade a minute of it when you hear the words, “I love you, Mommy”.  Same
here.  I know it can be a long and difficult road, but now when your husband reaches out to
you in love and support you value it more than you ever thought was possible.  Find the
moments to cherish in this struggle and you will have found gold at the end of your rainbow.

This article was written by our own Heather Hummert, the wife of an OIF Veteran & Purple
Heart Recipient.  If you would like to contact Heather directly, you can e-mail her at
Heather -at- or

If you would like to help us build this site and reach out to other Veterans, their spouses,
and children, please e-mail us at Info -at- or

Don't miss these other articles about PTSD & Intimacy:

Rules of Engagement
Advice for Husbands
Advice for Wives
About This Site  |  Media Room  |  Contact Us  |  Site Map  |  Link Share  |  Spread the Word

If you have questions or concerns about this site, please e-mail us at Info -at-
Family Of a Vet, Inc., is a federally recognized 501(c)3 non-profit corporation.  
All donations to Family Of a Vet are tax deductible.  For more information about supporting the work we do,
This page dedicated to helping Veterans and their loved ones learn more about coping with sex & PTSD.
Don't forget to take our Congressional Survey!
As little as 10 minutes of your time can help us make a difference in your life!! welcomes and encourages the off-line distribution of content from its website through appropriate channels but no use is granted without our specific permission. Please contact us by e-mail at Permissions -at- stating the specific content to be used and place and means of off-line distribution. Webmasters, bloggers, etc., wishing to use a limited amount of content from our site for non-commercial, on-line purposes may do so as long as a backlink to our site is provided. © Copyright 2007 - / Family Of a Vet, Inc. All rights reserved.
<div align="center"><a href="" title=""><img src="" alt="" style="border:none;" /></a></div>
<div align="center"><a href="" title=""><img src="" alt="" style="border:none;" /></a></div>
Copy the codes below to
place one of our buttons
on your site or blog and
help spread the word
about FOV.  Thanks!

About This Site  |  Media Room  |  Contact Us  |  Site Map  |  Link Share  |  Spread the Word  |  Volunteer
our mission: to provide real world resources that help heroes and their loved ones survive & thrive in life after combat